


Mailbox

by felldownthelist



Series: Bare Metal Fan [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ascii jokes, Author Writing For Themselves, Binary jokes, E-Comms, Emails, Epistolary, Gen, Most Events Offscreen, No Context, Octal jokes, Sibling Inbox, Suicidal Behavior (Offscreen), To Be Explained In Next Installment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felldownthelist/pseuds/felldownthelist
Summary: FROM: SpaceboyTuesday 06:12Allison said you check this all the time. So you are ignoring me. Could you please grow up.TO: SpaceboyFriday 05:21Unbunch your panties. Jesus. What do you want me to say?
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Everyone, Diego Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves
Series: Bare Metal Fan [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1525859
Comments: 18
Kudos: 91





	Mailbox

**Author's Note:**

> This is seriously way more for me than anything else because this just KEPT GOING in my head and next time Klaus is going to validate my ideas about early nineties Linux but for now Diego's inbox is what i'm posting because. It's my epic. I mean series. (GIT jokes anyone? IF YOU GET IT MESSAGE ME PLEASE I HAVE NO FRIENDS) And I was enjoying the idea of just seeing emails between people without the real life stuff, because nobody explains context. And it's a fun experiment. About. Um. Diego's inbox.

_F_ _ROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday_ _04:45  
_Hi. Did you choose this email or did Allison? Haven’t seen you in a while.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday_ _0_ _3_ _:_ _29  
_So it’s been another week.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_T_ _uesday_ _0_ _6_ _:_ _12  
_Allison said you check this all the time. So you are ignoring me. Could you please grow up.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday_ _0_ _5_ _:_ _21  
_Unbunch your panties. Jesus. What do you want me to say?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday_ _0_ _5_ _:4_ _8  
_Thought you were ignoring me.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 05:52  
_Oh my god.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 06:01  
_What’s that supposed to mean?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 04:42  
_01100100 01101001 01100011 01101011

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 06:03  
_So funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.

_TO_ : Littlestsister  
_Wednesday 12:02  
_Give me a call if you decide you wanna show up at the meetup. Five is a paranoid shit seriously. Even if any of them were rapist murderers that had somehow washed under both of our background checks, I’ll be armed.

_FROM_ : Littlestsister  
_Wednesday 22:09  
_Hi Diego. I really appreciate it but I don’t want to be any bother. I’m not even sure they would want to see me, you’re the person they talk to all the time. It’s probably for the best if I stay here. You could come over for coffee and tell me about it sometime? If you wanted.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 22:25  
_Fuck you so much. I don’t understand why uyoiu decided to ahte me. Or what the fuck I did. Or why you won’t email me back. You already left so it’s not like you can do it again. Eeryybody leaves me. You don’t even care about me I get it. I wish you weren’t living with Allison so I never had to see your stufoud face becauss you syck

_TO_ : Littlestsister  
_Friday 22:56  
_Will call in the week.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 11:22  
_Did you call last night? Please delete that email?????

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Sunday 14:22  
_the thing I said i’d send you the link for seriously you’ll die laughing here it is

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Monday 05:55  
_Gave you a couple days to stew. I don’t know how you managed to type that out because you sure as shit couldn’t use your words over the phone. I mean, I got a few of the insults. I gather you didn’t die seeing as you sent your follow-up. Next time you want to fuck yourself up, do everybody a favor and don’t.

_FROM_ : Littlestsister  
_Monday 05:59  
_Hi Diego. Okay, cool. Talk soon. Hope it was fun.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Monday 06:14  
_That bullshit speech about making friends or whatever the shit really was just bullshit.

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Monday 10:24  
_Can we get some email signing SSL certificates on this domain please? Code signing is not okay. I know you’re all better than this.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Monday: 22:22  
_01100100 01110101 01101101 01100010 01100001 01110011 01110011

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Monday 23:02  
_Thanks to Luther for being the only reliable one. Email comms now secure. Idiots.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 04:42  
_Hi. You won’t answer the phone so. I’m sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have drank so much. Nobody else was here to tell me I was taking it too far. I don’t know why I said any of that. I don’t remember it and I don’t think that. Can we please forget it?

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Thursday_ _16:04  
_hi hi hi family emails! this is hard so I’m just gonna say it, please don’t judge me too much ok. i was just thinking. we’ve known each other for so long! your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it. inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it. and if you ask me how i’m feeling don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP  
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN  
NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND

AND DESERT YOOUUUUUU

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Friday 22:06  
_It’s been a day and it’s STILL in my fucking head asswipe you’re lucky you’re outta the house or I’d kick you in the nuts

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Saturday 14:04  
_watching you six feet from me watching me thinking about rick astley: all the validation i ever needed in this life. sweet sweet validation.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 22:01  
_Oops. I did it agsin. Ha but l;ook I can type. don’t call this time. won’t pick up. Im’ just lonely. T scares me because I never do anythiung right and I couldnt make it work in time. You pay bill s on time I bet it.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 03:14  
_You need to stop drinking so much.

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Sunday 19:04  
_Watching you watching me waiting for when I’m gonna punch you in the nuts. All the valudsabvjhl jionj87q

Hi Klaus. Diego. Whichever one of you put the dead fish in the laundry is responsible for my reaching the end of my tether with this prank war. You’re both clearly bored. Maybe it’s time you got jobs. OR JUST STOPPED BEING ASSES IN MY APARTMENT. Cute that you email each other when we literally live together by the way! Luckily those SSL certs mean this will never be leaked to those cutesy fan boards.

Kisses. Ally.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 21:07  
_Ohhhh, no ‘please delete’ sorry for the inconvenience? At least I got off without being insulted this time I guess.

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Monday 09:00  
_Working nine to five! What a way to make a living!!!!!!

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Tuesday 09:00  
_Barely getting by! It’s all taking and no giving!

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Wednesday 09:00  
_THEY JUST USE YOUR MIND! AND THEY NEVER GIVE YOU CREDIT!

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Thursday 09:58  
_Dude.

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Thursday 15:03  
_DUDE. You try being in a car chase at 4am and breaking your ribs and getting up to write your brother who lives like six feet from you fucking song lyrics at 9am!!!! Is Ben impressed? I’m guessing NO are you proud of yourself

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 23:23  
_Congrats on hitting four guys at once with a car today. Forgot what that looks like. They’ll think twice about robbing an empty house in the holidays next time. Maybe the family won’t mind that their car is all fucked up now! Uh. Look. I saw those dumb looks you kept giving me. I’d have said something if you hadn’t ran away as soon as you could. So you got drunk a couple times. I go to enough family therapy with Klaus that you should know I wouldn’t be a prick about it. The issue is more you literally took the time to write down that you hate my face and wish I didn’t live with our sister and then garbled some complete trash over the phone when I called to check to see what the hell you were on. If it wasn’t for Allison I’d be done with you man I swear to God.

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Saturday 23:34  
_NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP  
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN*

*SUBJECT TO GIVER UP AND LETTER DOWNERS DISCRETION

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 23:59  
_Did you tell them about it? I don’t blame you if you did. They can hate me even more.

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Saturday 23:59  
_Yeah run to your bedroom Klaus, I can wait for revenge. You won’t even read this until it’s too late.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 00:09  
_My god seriously. Why the fuck would I do that? Everybody hates you now? You are so fucking dramatic bro jesus.

_FROM_ : Littlestsister  
_Monday 16:04  
_Hi Diego. Allison said you were out but just in case you didn’t see her message, you left your hex key set here. I don’t know if you need it but that’s where it is. Also thanks again for fixing up my bicycle. I really appreciate it. And it was cool to hear about the meetup. See you soon.

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Monday 22:04  
_allison seems like actually mad at us do you know why

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 02:25  
_Hi. I’m really sorry. I can’t apologize enough. I understand if you want me to stop emailing. I’ll put a lock on the computer when I’m drinking so I can’t send you more. I’m just sorry.

_TO_ : Littlestsister  
_Tuesday 02:46  
_Better to ride than walk at night. Allison passed the message on. I’ll pick them up sometime next week or something? I’ll call when you’re not probably asleep or whatever. Would you do me a favor and check in on Luther if you get a chance? He’s closer to your end of town. Pretend it’s about the message board, or your kitchen sink or whatever it takes to get his head out of his ass for ten minutes?

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 03:47  
_Friendly reminder idiot. I MEANT what I just said on the phone.

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Wednesday 07:02  
_Told you donuts would make her stop being mad haha. Fuck never show her this.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 05:55  
_117 32 111 107

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 17:04  
_Five is back. Apparently me and Five are twins. Never knew.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 21:18  
_You okay????

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 22:02  
_No

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 22:25  
_Okay. Not picking up the phone right now????

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 22:43  
_Sorry. I’ll be better tomorrow

_FROM_ : Littlestsister  
_Thursday 23:03  
_Hi everybody. Sorry for the group email. I just have a concert coming up and I have comps if anybody would want to be there. It’s not a big deal, but if anybody wants them it’s for orchestra seats at David Geffen hall.

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Thursday 23:54  
_vanya holy shit. excuse me while i plan my outfiiiiiiiit. this is a big effing deal yo.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday: 05:47  
_Dick. Look. When we lost Mom (the other time) I went to see a friend and I could say that my Mom was gone but I couldn’t say anything else at all. Didn’t know what to say. Not even “I am sad” or anything. And if THAT guy is telling you that you need to get a grip on your emotional intelligence (that’s a THERAPY phrase so I’m RIGHT) then you need to start worrying. Seriously. Let me call.

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Friday 17:01  
_I will be in attendance, Vanya. Would you be adverse to Dolores taking a complimentary ticket or do I need to use actual money for the seat? We have recently reconciled and she is eager to see you perform.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 17:04  
_I am sad.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 17:36  
_It’s difficult

_FROM_ : Littlestsister  
_Friday 18:41  
_Hi everybody. I have eight comps if anybody wants to bring partners. So I guess that’s three down. Klaus you will look amazing I’m sure. Thank you, Five. I hope that you enjoy it.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 04:22  
_Complicated?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 04:49  
_Yes.

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Sunday 17:04  
_I await your performance with eager anticipation. We could go to Griddys afterward if you wanted.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 02:22  
_Why do you go to therapy?

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 05:26  
_Why do any of us do anything? Family, man.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 07:02  
_I’m not sure I’m very good at family stuff any more. I probably never was because you all left. I didn’t know I had a twin, how could I not know I had a twin? Five doesn’t seem to care about it that much. I wish I was more like that. Or like you, or Klaus.

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Tuesday 07:11  
_i know i’ve been out for a few days but i want you to know. i’m wearing this pantsuit (in GREEN) to vanya’s recital. at the fucking philharmonic. should you wish to coordinate. when did this happen diego holy shit. let me know your opinions when you wake up.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 07:25  
_I’m going to put this in writing for you. Five is a fucking mess. Klaus is also a hot mess. If you don’t shut up with that shit I’m going to drag you to therapy except Klaus won’t even have to be there, it’ll be just you and me. You want that? I sure as shit don’t. Cut yourself a break man.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 03:46  
_I have these dreams sometimes that I’m still on the moon and you’re all dead. That’s how I know I’d miss you so that’s why we have to keep talking.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 05:59  
_You are so dramatic that it might actually kill me. Then you’d miss me? Aaw Luther. That’s sweet. If you told me you weren’t going to miss your dead family I’d think you were a fucking psychopath, asshole. Do you send these emails to anybody else or is it just me?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 02:25  
_Could I come over? Or meet you somewhere?

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Sunday 16:25  
_hi hi hi family emails!  
in light of recent events by which i mean both the group crime fighting shtick and bit where somehow everybody ended up at allys this morning crying – YES i am talking about it not sorry – do you not think it would be a good idea to rethink current living arrangements  
love you all bye bye -k

_TO_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Sunday 19:06  
_Great email. Following that: Klaus why are you hiding in your fucking bedroom. If you don’t get out here and talk to me I’m gonna kick the door in. Fair warning. Also. Not EVERYBODY was crying you dick. Good work on reaching out to the family. You should tell that nosy shit Paul. He might give you a sticker.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 22:01  
_dies ben have email and cann we

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Sunday 22:25  
_hi luther. welcome again to family group email time. ben does not have email. ben would however like to pass on this inquiry! are you drunk or something?? also I think diego is coming to see if you’re drunk. he seems angry i know but he just really really reeeeeeeeally cares about all our livers and pancreases and stuff. believe me.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 02:55  
_You stupid stupid fucking prick Luther.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 13:42  
_Hey Luther. Update: It’s been a week and two days since I came over and found you in the tub.  
I’ll come back to the hospital in a bit. If you want to wake up while I’m not there that would be great.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Wednesday 14:04  
_Hey Luther.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 11:59  
_Hey Luther.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 17:04  
_Hey Luther

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 17:06  
_Hey Luther

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 17:09  
_Hey Luther

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 17:42  
_Hey Luther.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 22:04  
_Hi Luther. You won’t wake up. It’s been a week and four days and you need to stop dicking around. How the fuck is anybody supposed to get any fucking sleep with you being a shit like this? You know how much crying I’ve had to listen to? From your other siblings? That aren’t me? I’ll give you a hint. It’s a fuckload. You can’t leave us you asswipe. Klaus doesn’t want two brothers haunting his ass. And you said you don’t want to see my face any more and if you die you’re living at Allison’s with the other dead guy, and fuck you so much for doing this. Wake up. WAKE UP.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 23:10  
_I’ll make Klaus kick your ass. If you die I will make Klaus make you absolutely fucking miserable.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 01:14  
_Bullshit things:  
1/ you woke up and the staff who literally saw us in the room with you for nearly two weeks fucking straight said we had to fuck off while they did tests THAT’S why we’re not there fuckface, I tried to fight them over it but Allison got real threatening at ME and long story short we left  
2/ I can’t remember how to delete sent unread emails for the recipient. I know there’s a way. I was gonna just ask you but I can’t so I’m stuck with the shitty search engines. You know Microsoft have put out this thing called Encarta? “Offline searching”. Like fuck sakes. We have altavista. Fuck off Bill fucking Gates. What a dick.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 02:45  
_Oh thank fuck. Don’t know why I’m emailing to tell you I figured out to how to do it since this is getting deleted too, but. Imma let myself have it. See you soon bro. Bye bye, last 11 emails.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 12:45  
_Hi Diego. Thanks for the ride to the doctors office. I appreciate it. I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I don’t know how to bring this up but I think you ran the soft recall command for some sent emails but also I have daily backups for my private IMAP?? So. Uh. Yeah. That.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 22:05  
_119 101 108 108 032 102 117 099 107 046

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Monday 11:42  
_01100001 01110011 01100011 01101001 01101001 00100000 00001101 00001010 01100100 01101001 01100101 01100111 01101111 00001101 00001010 01100001 01101100 01110011 01101111 00001101 00001010 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 01101011 01110011

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Tuesday 04:22  
_143 141 156 040 171 157 165 040 147 165 145 163 163 040 164 150 151 163 077 040 167 150 171 040 141 162 145 040 171 157 165 040 164 150 141 156 153 151 156 147 040 155 145 040 156 145 162 144

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Thursday 12:02  
_I’m nearly ashamed of how long that took me. OCT?! We spent one day on octal. Base-8 takes me back to learning about Yuki and Pamean. Also having flashbacks to the first time we learned about IBM and the year 2000 and the year 2038 62 bit failure theory. Why are you writing to me in octal? I seriously spent a day thinking that was an ascii rot-13 or something. You got me. 151 040 167 141 163 040 164 150 141 156 153 151 156 147 040 171 157 165 040 146 157 162 040 147 151 166 151 156 147 040 141 040 163 150 151 164.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 05:43  
_NERDDDDD

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Friday 06:22  
_-.. --- -.-- --- ..- .-. . -- . -- -... . .-. ... . -.-. .-. . - ... .- -. -.. .-- .. -.-. .... - .. -- . ...

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 14:02  
_.pu gniworg terger i ?dlo oot teg tsuj ew did ?pots ew did yhw .tseb eht saw emit hciwdnas terces

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 01:02  
_That all you regret?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 17:22  
_It was an accident.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 22:06  
_No. It wasn’t.

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 23:59  
_105 032 100 111 032 110 111 116 032 117 110 100 101 114 115 116 097 110 100 032 119 104 121 032 121 111 117 032 099 097 114 101

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Wednesday 02:11  
_You’re a silly shithead. Did you actually read those emails? The ones when you were in hospital? When you wouldn’t wake up? When you were freaking everybody out?

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Saturday 11:45  
_I can’t write like this like you can.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 01:02  
_Try shithead

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Sunday 03:22  
_Sorry. Would you come to any therapy with me. I know you do for Klaus and if you don’t want to that’s fine

_TO_ Spaceboy  
_Sunday 03:22  
_I didn’t mean you had to say anything you don’t want to. Just stop thinking I won’t listen.

_TO_ Spaceboy  
_Sunday 03:42  
_Oh shit. You replied when I did. Yeah I’ll go to therapy with you. Not sure why you want me but I’ll go

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Wednesday 22:10  
_hey!  
haven’t seen you since the weekend. you were being weird. are you okay? this time of year is always weird. i don’t know if you ever thought so too. anyway. when you picked up the phone at ass o’clock sunday morning and fucked off I did a redial and was that luther? if it wasn’t it was five and i’m answering my own question yay. are you two crisis buds now? could you let him know that if he ever wants to talk to somebody else who got so high they couldn’t even slit their wrists all the way I’m game. allison still buys that it was an accident. also. don’t bring this up with paul please. also I swear again i’d never do that now. please don’t leave me out if I can actually have somebody to buddy up with. no offence for never having tried to kill yourself hehe.  
x x k

_FROM_ : Wearingitbetter  
_Wednesday 22:36  
_shit shit shit you need to call please i’m freaking out don’t try and kill yourself to be a good sponsor that’s not what i meant also none of my business just you never mentioned anything so i assumed  
diego please call

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Tuesday 13:42  
_Dear family,

It has come to my attention that I cannot leave you alone for two fucking minutes without somebody doing something stupid. Our teenage altercations and misdemeanors being excused due to age – do cease to insist on doing utterly moronic bullshit crap now that we finally have a stable timeline. The next member of this family that in any way injures, insults, aggrieves, harasses or inconveniences themselves or the next sibling in any fashion whatsoever is in for it. Do not think my threats idle.

Best,

Five

_TO_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Tuesday 17:22  
_What exactly did you expect? I didn’t hit reply to all because you deserve to read this on your miserable lonesome. You LEFT, you silly prick. Of course things were only going to get worse, how could you not think that?! Touch one hair on any part of Luther and I will kick your ass. Klaus is trying so fucking hard that if you so much as breathe the wrong way at him I will fuck you up. Allison is putting up with a lot of shit right now so do not add to it, and lord knows you wouldn’t so much as blink wrong at Vanya so no threats there – seriously, man, pull the stick out of your ass and stop leaving Luther all by himself in that big dumb fucking house and fucking shut the fuck up, you stupid asshole, just because you left us all to time travel even though you KNEW it was a shit idea you can’t come back here and blame us all for your finding out everything is shit. Go to hell.

Love you bro. Find another means of expressing yourself that doesn’t make me want to punch you.

_FROM_ : InstituteOfFive  
_Tuesday 18:02  
_Dear family,

As your first example please find Diego’s car in the river.

Best,

Five

_FROM_ : Spaceboy  
_Wednesday 14:44  
_It’s in Allison’s parking space and I made him get it valeted.

_TO_ : Spaceboy  
_Wednesday 15:22  
_You’re a good bro, bro. See ya in a bit.


End file.
